Thailure's Failures

Who Could Have Hosted the 2012 Kids’ Choice Awards

It was just announced that Will Smith will be hosting the 2012 Kids’ Choice Awards and I’m disappointed. I was appointed to the committee to help choose this year’s award show host. Since it’s official and none of my nominees were selected, I thought I would share my list. These were the 10 hosts I presented to Nickelodeon to host this year’s award show. After reading through my list, ask yourself this: who would I rather see slimed - Will Smith or one of these people? I also included how we were going to slime each of them at the end of the evening. 

These are in no particular order.

1) Terrence Malick - director/idiot savant/autistic (?)

We were going to spend the entire award show creating a giant tree of slime and then at the end of the show it was going to unleash slime on him while he cried about a dead family member and the audience hummed.

2) Eden Wood - pageant superstar/bestselling author/future playmate

Little Miss Eden Wood was going to have her mom come out and slime her. Despite kicking, screaming, and crying, her mom would slime her because her mom said so and it was in her contract.

3) Jessica Lange - creator of melodrama

She was going to freak out, cry, and overact when she got slimed.

4) Hector Salamanca - a man with much to say


He was going to ring a bell multiple times which was going to trigger the explosion of slime!

5) Jerome Isaac - terminex suit owner/terrible arsonist/kind of a dick


He was going to be attacked by someone in a Terminex suit that hosed him down with slime in an elevator!

6) Jeff Ashton - author of that Casey Anthony book/glad Caylee died because now he has a ton of money from a book/big time fan of Nickelodeon

 
We were actually going to bring Casey Anthony out to slime him.

7) Blue Ivy - creator of Facebook (I think?)


Beyonce was going to breast feed her slime.

8) Noomi Rapace - needs work/trying to learn English/realizing Rosetta Stone doesn’t work


Noomi was going to have a molotov cocktail of slime thrown at her.

9)  Amy Bonezzi - director of 3 episodes of Teen Mom 2 


She was next in line to host if Smith didn’t take it but she refused to get slimed in her contract =(

10)  Gnomeo - gnome/murder-suicide fan/complex character

We were going to be edgy and use CGI slime to slime our all CGI host!

My Favorite Films of 2011

1. 50/50 - the only movie I saw this year that was perfect. This film felt so genuine because it was so realistic. Thanks to Will Reiser’s semi-autobiographical script, every character felt like a human being. It was as hilarious as heartfelt with amazing performances. It’s one of the few movies I’ve seen where you leave and want to be a better person and to be thankful for the small things you do have in life. And it does this all without ever being preachy or melodramatic. 

2. Drive - an intense, atmospheric drama/thriller with a unique performance by Ryan Gosling. Nothing is off limits in this unconventional thriller and it looks beautiful. 

3. The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (2011) - Fincher is one of my favorite directors and he was the perfect director to tackle the first book in the Stieg Larsson trilogy. The source material is slow and somewhat anticlimactic, but thanks to Fincher’s vision and direction, the film is always amazing to look at. Top it all off with a great performance from Rooney Mara and a haunting score from Trent Reznor/Atticus Ross and you have one of my favorite films of the year.

4. Young Adult - without a doubt the best film directed by Jason Reitman and the best screenplay by Diablo Cody. Cody has created such an intensely unlikeable character yet I still managed to sympathize with her - and that seems like a near impossible task to pull off. Most of the funny parts are darkly comedic and sad. This is my type of humor. It was a great film until the last few minutes, and then it became a near perfect film for me. It completely captures the animosity one might have for a small town they grew up in, and all the confusion that goes with returning to that town. Charlize Theron kills it, and so does Patton Oswalt. 

5. Super - James Gunn’s “real-life superhero movie” is exactly what I had hoped Kick-Asswould have been. Every single actor in this movie gives a great performance, especially Ellen Page. It was great to see her play a character that is so unlike anything I have ever seen before. I loved how dark and violent the film is, while still being hilarious and dramatic. 

6. Insidious - I typically hate supernatural horror because it is so slow and full of faux jump scares. However, Insidious takes the formula and flips it on its head. This film is an adrenaline rush that is the closest thing to going through an actual haunted house. It also has plenty hidden in there that makes it fun to go back and watch again. 

7. The Catechism Cataclysm - a hilarious absurd parable that makes you realize just how hilarious and absurd the bible is. If you love Stevie from Eastbound & Down as much as I do, then this is the movie made for you.

8. Without - I caught this very independent film at a film festival and knew nothing about it. I loved it. It is a slow moving, atmosphere driven film that deals with technology dependency, sexuality, loneliness, and paranoia. You are never quite sure where it’s going but you are always intrigued. The actress in it, Joslyn Jensen, gives an outstanding performance. Here’s the website: http://www.rightonredfilms.com/

9. Contagion - a super realistic, terrifying biological thriller. I loved how the film took a factual approach and didn’t make the deaths of characters overly dramatic. Following the virus from the origin was a cool approach and the score added to the tension. 

10. Hesher - perhaps I’m biased to this film since Joseph Gordon-Levitt is my favorite actor and this is one of his best performances. I liked how crude and sweet it was all at once. It’s a little melodramatic at times, but it’s dark and funny enough to look past. The kid actor, Devin Brochu, turns out a great performance. 

Honorable mentions: Fright Night (2011), Midnight in Paris, Super 8, Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows, The Skin I Live In, The Innkeepers, Bridesmaids.

Worst movies of the year: Hugo, The Hangover Part II, Thor, Captain America, Cars 2, 30 Minutes or Less, War Horse, Kidnapped, Paranormal Activity 3, Source Code.

WHORSE MOVIE EVER

NOTE: to get the full War Horse experience, you must listen to this track on repeat for the duration of reading this blog…and then 36 more times after that.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eg5CkihPZgA

For Christmas my wonderful parents gifted me an iPhone 4S and in return, I gave them the gift of my company to a 7:25 PM showing of Steven Spielberg’s epic-that-could-be-summed-up-in-a-trailer, War Horse. It took a lot of restraint to attend this movie as The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo was playing in the next auditorium and I had only seen it twice so far ; watching Rooney Mara get ass-raped for a third time would have been my desired Xmas evening plans. (Note: the way she squeals in that scene is adorable and it makes me want to pet her on the head.) But I’m a great son who is a strong Christian and not gay, so I endured War Horse. 

The movie was not good. In fact, I hated it. I gave it a 1 star out of 5 on Rotten Tomatoes which equates to a 2/10 in my preferred rating system (note: I just double it. So a 2/5 would be a 4/10, does this make sense?) 

Here are some of my thoughts on it:

• I always joked about the movie being about bestiality because I’m hilarious and my friends love me. I said it would be like Brokeback Mountain but instead of two gay cowboys it would be a boy falling in love with a horse. It’s not a stretch as homosexuality and bestiality are more or less the same. I’m straight. Well the film opens up with this peeping tom kid passionately watching this horse get born. He’s hiding behind a fence so I couldn’t tell whether he was or wasn’t masturbating, but his eyes certainly had that post-ejaculation gleam. Basically the film starts off telling you it’s love at first sight. And everyone in the theater loved this. 
• The film quickly turns into Babe with a goose stealing laughs as he gets at everyone’s feet. When the bad guy comes who just wants money and is tired of being pushed over by these poor, irresponsible farmers, the goose harasses him. This sequence is so out of place, that I was confused as to why the animals were not talking about how they could save War Horse. It would have been a much better film if the horse could talk. I would’ve picked Christoph Waltz or John C. Reilly to voice the horse. The goose would have been voiced by the multi-talented Nicki Minaj. 
• The kid gets the horse and immediately names him…Joey. At first this name seems boring as fuck, but then in a mid-climax backstory, you learn that the kid’s favorite restaurant is Outback Steakhouse and he likes to eat the Joey Jr. steak. Cute. 
• Every antagonist in this film is a level-headed human being that understands they are in a FUCKING WAR and that fucking HUMANS are dying. They don’t have time to give two shits about a horse when their fucking comrades are puking piss and urinating bloody bile. I’m honestly surprised there is not a scene where the protagonist kills a few soldiers and skins them just to make a new, more comfortable human-flesh-saddle for the horse to wear. Wouldn’t want little Joey to get a boo-boo in the war.
• The scene that is supposed to be the saddest part is when the war horse comes to the infirmary and because he has an open wound that caught tetanus, he is going to be shot point-blank in front of a crowd of onlookers (typical horse execution practice) Did I mention that moments before, we see a room full of dying bloody soldiers with amputated limbs?! And now Spielberg wants me to feel sorry for this horse with a cut? Oh, what’s that I hear…an intensely dramatic John Williams score? This wasn’t playing when we saw the soldiers but it’s playing now when the horse is about to die which means it’s more important. Now I’m sad. 
• The weirdest part of the movie to me is that it’s really a horror film about a cursed horse that kills anyone that tries to claim it for themselves. Every single character that tries to take War Horse for himself/herself, ends up dead. Most of them die from battle, but then a little girl decides to claim it for herself. My theory was debunked, I thought. Until the very end when we find out that somehow the girl died. FUCKING CURSES. FUCKING WAR HORSE. I like to think that somewhere off camera, Miss Hands fucked the war horse and died from vaginal bruising afterwards. Maybe her cervix exploded. Or imploded. Can that happen? That would be more interesting than anything in this movie. 
• Over 132 times someone in this movie comments on how beautiful Joey, the war horse, is. They say it so much that the audience starts trying to look for features that distinguish it from any other horse. Then you realize that it is a pretty horse. And then you feel blood rush to your penis and think, goddamn, it’s a horse. But shit, everyone in the theater would fuck the horse. Even the little girl with her light up shoes that went to the bathroom 4 times in the movie. Maybe she just couldn’t handle the sexual tension. Either way, the film does one thing right, and that is convincing you that if you had to, you could Mr. Hands a horse.  

So moral of the story is, go see War Hose. You will laugh. You will cry. You will buy a zoo and put hundreds of horse in there. You will not be disappointed. How many times have you listened to that John Williams score? If you have heard it once, it’s like you’ve already seen 80% of the movie. Now you just need to picture horses and sun and one-dimensional characters.

The worst part of it all was that everyone fucking loved it. Except for me.

To Beat or Not to Beat (Off to Kevin James Movies)

What are some of your favorite Kevin James moments? Remember when he married Adam Sandler, but like not in a gay way, because he wasn’t gay of course?